The plot makes little sense, but here's an attempt at summary anyway: The counselor (Michael Fassbender - the character has no name) has some kind of relationship with a scarily orange Javier Bardem. (I have no idea what Bardem's character's name was, so we'll just call him Bardem for the sake of clarity.) Rosie Perez has a 3-minute role as one of the counselor's former clients whose son is in jail. The counselor gets him out, but he is soon killed in an elaborate murder plot that made no sense and was executed with the kind of gross-out violence one would expect from McCarthy. At the center of the plot is Cameron Diaz, who does little besides strut and look evil. Brad Pitt has a part in this, too, although I have no idea why; he was just there to offer surly opinions and be killed in one of the most excessively gruesome scenes I've seen in a while - one that makes Neil Patrick Harris's demise in Gone Girl look child-friendly. I really have no clue who his character was or why he was even in the movie, and honestly the same goes for almost everyone else in this meandering drivel.
The most striking flaw, and one that mars all of McCarthy's fiction (and now his screenplays), is the women characters. I'm using the word "character" loosely because that's not actually what they are: they're symbols solely there to show us the torment of the male characters. Penelope Cruz co-stars as Michael Fasssbender's lover (named Laura!), but she has maybe ten minutes of screen time - and that's a generous estimate. I kept a list of everything we see Cruz do in the entire film:
- Complement Michael Fassbender on his bedroom technique (this is the first scene);
- Accept Fassbender's marriage proposal;
- Show off her diamond to Cameron Diaz, then blush at talking about sex (so we know she's a "good girl");
- Restrain Fassbender from fighting some creep to defend her honor;
- Plead with Fasssbender to run away with her to escape danger;
- Arrive at airport in red dress and flowing white coat where she:
- Screams
- Is chased
- Is kidnapped;
- Dumped into landfill as a decapitated corpse.
So, basically, "Laura" exists in this movie only to look pretty, tell the audience what a great lay Fassbender is, and die. There are several scenes with Fassbender weeping about her, but I felt nothing. The film has no pathos: the plot makes no sense, the characters are symbols, and the violence has no point.
Sadly, the misogyny doesn't stop with Cruz; Diaz is equally ridiculous and only does the following:
- Lie (mostly) naked on a bench and quiz Laura about her diamond and sex;
- Plot murder on the phone;
- Strut;
- Have sex with a windshield (yes, you read that correctly: with not on);
- Taunt priest about sex at confession;
- Plot murder;
- Strut;
- Plot;
- Plot;
- Strut;
- Plot.
Now, if these lists do not embody the most misogynistic (and boring) stereotypes about women, I don't know what does. I found myself sighing loudly throughout the whole thing and begging my bluray player to hurry up and end this torture. Sadly, at almost two hours, this trashy, boring, meaningless junk is like a case of diarrhea that won't go away. The dialogue is bland and goes on and on and on and on without any point. The cinematography is ugly and almost as orange as Javier Bardem's spray tan. Considering the amount of talent involved with this film, the tacky result is startling and embarrassing.
As the credits mercifully arrived, I struggled to think of one positive thing about this film, and realized there really is only one: getting to hear Michael Fassbender say my name. For that, I give it a slightly higher grade....
Grade F+
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